Author-artist Tina Collen stops by Thoughts in Progress today on her virtual tour of blogdom to promote her award-winning memoir, STORM OF THE I: AN ARTOBIOGRAPHY.
Every time I see a stack of my books, I can hardly believe it. They look so neat and well-behaved, so innocent, considering the torment and all-nighters it took to create them. I was so consumed by it all, for 5 years I disappeared from my normal life. It seemed like a giant detour—it turned out to be a life-changing experience. And I didn’t see any of it coming.
I should have suspected, though ... because from the time I was a kid, I made everything in my life into an art project. I always have. What other kids would see as a pile of popsicle sticks, I’d see as a castle for hamsters waiting to happen.
I’ve just never done anything like writing a book before—I’m an artist and a graphic designer. But apparently what needed to come to the surface this time was my story, my memoir. Though, I couldn’t resist the urge to put art pieces into the book and playful interactive features like cut-outs, fold out panels (one is a series of paintings that gave me pause to consider whether we leave hidden messages to help ourselves along the way). There's even a pop-up that hands the reader a fortune cookie with a suggestion inside.
But I think all that entertainment was just my way of helping the medicine go down, because underneath this was actually a difficult story for me. One that I’ve been carrying around in my heart since I was a little girl.
When I was a kid, my father didn’t speak to me for days, sometimes weeks at a time. I rarely knew why he was so angry at me. I was a good kid. I got good grades. My sister and brother and I were all well behaved. Yet somehow, I was singled out.
At the time I finished writing this book, he hadn’t spoken to me for fifteen years. My mother even asked me not to call the house, because he’d told her that if I did he would rip the phone right out of the wall. So I stopped calling. Though I was never physically abused, my father’s anger was the crucible in which I was forged.
Here's a passage about dinner time at my house when I was a kid. At the top of the page it says:
Navigating childhood is a daunting feat for anyone,
particularly a child
particularly a child
"When my sixth-grade science class was introduced to Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, I was intrigued by the idea that basic self-interest is the driving force in all forms of life. That night at the dinner table, I couldn’t wait to recount what I had learned about natural selection. But I was blind-sided by my father’s reaction. “Sure you’d think that,” he said glaring across the table at me, his voice suddenly sharp. “Survival of the most selfish,” he muttered. Everyone stopped talking. The only sound we heard was his knife cutting the flank steak, scraping the plate. “But I learned it in school,” I said. “Survival of the fittest—it’s in my textbook. It wasn’t my idea. I just think it makes sense.”
“I’m sure you do,” he snapped back, color flowing into his cheeks, “but that’s no excuse for doing what you want all the time. Where would you be if I didn’t put food on the table? You think I like getting up every morning and going to work? What if I only thought about myself and did what I wanted?”
By this time, everyone was chewing in silence, looking down at their plates. I could feel the tension in the room seeping into my body. Adding to my misery was the feeling that I was responsible for making everyone else suffer.
Back in our room after one of these blowups, my sister said to me, “You know it doesn’t matter if you learned it in school.” She was upset too. She put her hand on my arm. “Why do you have to cross him?” she asked me softly.
I was silent for a while. Finally, I replied, “I don’t know.”
As the years went by the attacks got worse, much worse. So as a child I found creative outlets to nurture and distract me, to entertain myself. They gave me a sense of control in a situation over which I had no control at all. In the art I created, I made everything look nice; tried to make everything perfect. In this way I was able to soothe myself, able to let go of my father’s vision of me and create my own vision.
So art is what centered me and from this safe place I went on to create a full life, to have a loving family of my own. I had a career that included not only graphic design but fine art—there were exhibitions on my work in Paris, Barcelona and a tour of museums in Germany. I designed toys for Mattel and made several entrepreneurial forays into the business world. I'd left my childhood behind.
But the bookcase here in my house in Boulder, Colorado, a repository for the things with which I've surround myself … that bookcase tells another story—the story of my inner life. It's what gave birth to my artobiography, Storm of the i, the book that set me free.
We’re giving an autographed book away in a contest, asking people to leave a comment answering this question: Oftentimes the objects we hold onto contain cryptic clues that point towards something deeper about ourselves. Take a look around your house (or your room) at the things with which you have surrounded yourself. Is there anything you are still hanging onto that seems to contain a hidden message for you? What do you think it is?
If you'd like to see a bit more about how Artobiography came into existence click here.
To purchase a personally autographed copy of Storm of the i go to www.TinaCollen.com and in the comment box include how you'd like it signed. Books are also available at Barnes & Noble, Borders and Amazon. If your favorite bookstore doesn't have it on the shelf they can order it for you. I look forward to hearing from you. Tina
The last stop on Tina’s blog tour is tomorrow, Feb. 11, when she’ll be visiting with Linda Lou at http://www.vegaslindalou.blogspot.com
Tina, thanks for guest blogging here today. It’s always interesting learning how a story came about.
Now for a bit of background on Tina. She has been an artist all her life. Educated in graphic design at Pratt Institute, she has designed toys for Mattel and made many other entrepreneurial forays into the commercial world. Her artwork has been exhibited in Paris, Barcelona, Frankfurt and on a year-long tour of museums throughout Germany. In New York City it was shown at The PhotoForum on 5th Avenue and at The Erotics Gallery in SoHo. She lives in Boulder, Colorado by way of Brooklyn, Los Angeles and Aspen. For more on Tina, check out her website.
{Note from me, Sorry I haven't been around here or visiting your blogs lately. Work has gotten crazy and I haven't had a chance to check in during the day like I would like to. Hopefully, I'll get back to visiting everyone soon. In the meantime, thanks so much for stopping by here. Y'all are the best!}
